Love is such a constricting freedom.
It should let me go, give me those
proverbial wings
but rather
it restricts my breathing
places two hands on my mind and
squeezes.

I have been taught that
it is an obligation, a commitment
a never-ending vortex of sacrifice which forces a denial
of many of the impulses my instincts desire…

So love scares me
because I cannot recall anyone who has yet crossed my
path who became a better person as a result of
this notion I have been bred with.

As a child, I had this image of love as
an athlete, a survivor, a champion,
utterly exhausted
with exultation at having given every last drop of
life and passion to fighting his glorious good fight;
who has no regard for the outcome but is satisfied by
the impossibility of having anything left
after living a life basking in the glory of it.

That was my dream of love…true agape.

Dreams and reality, however, do not often match up
and I often cease fighting because
once reality becomes too vibrant, too neglected,
once it begins breaking apart
it must be protected
…or so I have been taught.

A dream cannot be lived until reality crumbles,
until the painful process of ripping off flesh and habit
is complete.

I believed my teachers all this time that reality trumps fantasy
Once the pain becomes too much
    you should stop
Nothing is worth destroying yourself for…

…The lie of a lifetime.

I know now that love is the highest concept
of all of existence…

Love even humbles God.

I must, now, in my older age,
in my stubborn age,
relearn, reteach, deconstruct the misconceptions
I have been vaccinated with.

The new mantras of love:

One -
Love is real and my teachers, my family, my guides were all wrong.
Two -
Love exists, even if I have yet to meet anyone who has accepted it.
Three -
Love is painful only when I do not allow it to completely
destroy myself, my world and all I
ever imagined and or ever seen as reality.

Dying for love is necessary.

Dying for love is the moment when my life will finally begin.

 

 

 

 

af

 

 

 

 

(written with pen on paper)